Our writing staff has many thoughts,
and demand the platform to share them.
There is a terrible lack of hierarchy in our company, so we couldn't really say no. Consider the opinions on these random subjects as complete truth, not the feverish musings of writers who haven't seen their families in weeks because of unfair and unreasonable deadlines.
If you disagree with us, keep it to
yourself. We have frail egos and very
poor logical reasoning.
OUR WRITING STAFF IS LONELY.
How could we not be?! Look at the type of work that fills our days! Help us ward off our unbearably sad feelings. Send thoughts, ideas, stories, advice, recipes, secrets, opinions, jokes, or a casual ice-breaker to our writing staff. Please.
Little Electric Cars
They might 'save' the environment, but the price you pay is your own dignity. Studies show that 67% of people have an irresistible urge to run these tiny cars off the road, while only 4% of people believe they should even be classified as 'cars.'
Lentil Soup
You might be surprised, but we consider lentil soup to be 3 thumbs up out of 6 stars. Although, our entire writing staff couldn't figure out what lentils were, despite spending two full work days researching it. But something about this soup warms our hearts and our digestive tracts. If we had any power in this desolate world, we'd ensure that every human has a steaming bowl of lentil soup in their hands.
Artichokes
We here at French Onion Soup are realists. We know we are really morally shallow and intellectually dense. But even to the best minds that humanity has to offer, artichokes just don't make sense. Where did they come from? Why are they here? And what do they really even taste like? Studies show that 7 out of 8 people can not distinguish the taste of artichokes, and that confuses 30 out of 25 of scientists.
Emma Roberts & Her Horrid Fringe Bangs
A person has to think VERY highly of themselves to agree to this particular hairstyle, and that lines up with everything we assume about Emma Roberts. We didn't do the research, but our writing staff can say with complete certainty that Emma's style choices were a direct response to her shame about the Nancy Drew movie.
Elmo
You say 'iconic, adorable puppet character.' We say 'evil asset used by the government to brainwash your children.'
Helen Bonham Carter
We have only positive thoughts about Helena. We are positive that she is an ageless vampire who's moonlighting as an A-list actress. You may ask, what evidence of this do we have? All we can say is, have you ever seen her eat garlic? We didn't think so! Case closed.
Crocs
This isn't about fashion, it's about one's self-esteem. And the question has to be asked: do you have self-esteem if you wear Crocs?
Pogo Sticks
Regarded as the 'King Of Toys' in 1835, the pogo stick has dropped in popularity. Perhaps because it's impossible to use and offers very little satisfaction after three bounces.
Lava Lamps
It's simply cruel for a liquid to look so enticing but be so poisonous for human consumption. We pledge to donate 80% of our profits to developing a lava lamp that is safe to drink.
