There is no shortage of things in like to become addicted to. Meth, hard liquor, Krispy Kreme donuts, and shoplifting have ravaged lives and disrupted our society. But there is a new drug of choice: TikTok. And it's so dangerous, you should consider locking your doors, curling up in a closet with a blanket, and rocking yourself into a tearful sleep.
In case you have been living in your closet for years, here's a rundown of TikTok through the eyes of our residential millennial editor, Pheeona Hasbering.
"TikTok is like the modern day pool of Narcissus, except there's like no hidden lessons or anything. It's just a way to show the world how much you love yourself, and because the videos keep popping up, you will never have to stop consuming stuff. It really shows the best of humanity, like people's hearts and stuff. And hot people dancing. And ugly people dancing. I guess it really like is a good way to connect with other people. And I love other people, and I love me, so I love TikTok."
As you can see, dear reader, TikTok has already weaved it's horrid tentacles into Pheeona's mind and have convinced her that she's worth something. We've known Pheeona for three months, and can confidently say she is not. And because of her, we understand why people are so addicted to TikTok. It comes down to three things:
1. It taps into the herd mentality every human has.
We all want to belong, we all want to have a 'tribe.' And when you're a snotty-nosed Gen Z child, chances are the people who are actually in your life have kicked you out of their tribe. Thus, TikTok emerges.
With a new trend every day, there is no shortages of filters, songs, and hip-thrusting moves that TikTok spews out. So every day, there's an opportunity to be a part of a short-lived movement. This is the kind of stuff that young people love. And it turns out, old people who want to be relevant again will also hop on this train going nowhere. Maybe we are in the minority, but seeing a grandma swivel her pelvis to Megan Thee Stallion WILL make you throw up with the force of a thousand bulimics.
2. It makes you feel talented without having any talent.
Gone are the days where people would be successful because they learned a skill. Now in the age of TikTok, young girls are making money by posing in the dressing room of an H&M and lip syncing to Lizzo. If it doesn't disgust you, then you're part of the problem.
But we don't intend to be irrationally upset with TikTok. It is simply a tool. Unfortunately, it is a tool that makes people look like tools, because scientifically it is impossible to be on TikTok without losing 14% of your self-respect.
3. It allows people to think they have a platform.
Everyone without a work ethic strives to be a 'social media influencer.' And TikTok has emerged as the biggest social media platform of the last fifty years. So it's no surprise that people have flocked to the app in a futile effort to gain an audience.
According to the Wall Street Journal, every person has an innate desire for mass population control. While the majority of these persons understand that it is generally frowned upon to actually control the population, they still strive for some semblance of that power. This is why the social media influencer has arose as the next plague. Do we blame Facebook for that? Yes. But is TikTok the point of no return? Undoubtedly.
In a world of selfies and selfishness, peer pressure is the only solution.
We've determined that the only way to save humanity is to reject TikTok as the scourge it is. If we keep letting fourteen year old girls think that it's 'cool' to pout at a camera for ten seconds, then our world is as good as gone. Some people say we should engage in mature, meaningful conversations with children about the dangers of social media. We say it's best to belittle and mock them for it until they think it's no longer cool. But either way, the addiction needs to stop, and TikTok needs to burn in hell.
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