Life is too short
to improve yourself.
Are you tired of blogs telling you that you can drop 15 pounds by exclusively eating green bean casserole? Do you get irked by the notion that romance has alluded you because you've been ignoring your astrological sign? Then you've come to the right website. Here you'll find articles that blatantly mock self-help gurus and Martha Stewart's attempt to be relevant.
And we will never apologize for it!
Friends With Benefits
How To Get Your BFF To Make You Dinner
We've all been there. It's a lonely Friday night, the significant other is out of town, and there is absolutely no motivation to cook up dinner. The microwaveable TV dinners in the freezer are taunting you, because like it or not, they're the only constant thing you've known, despite adding inches to your waistline while stealing years off your life. Well, grab a Kleenex and wipe away those tears of despair. Here at French Onion Soup, we are invested in spending all of our time and other people's money researching ways to ensure that you never spend another weekend night curled up in your Laz-E-Boy, cramming re-reheated stuffed shells down your sobbing gullet . . .
An Ode To Tilda Swinton
Confusingly hot
Draco Malfoy she's not
Oh Tilda, my heart swoons for you
With cheekbones so high,
And weasel-like eyes,
Miss Swinton, none other will do
You capture the soul
Of all of your roles
From ice queens to masters of time
If never you see
That we're meant to be
Then Tilda, I've wasted these rhymes
To Our Readers
We're so glad you stumbled onto our humble website. We are a quaint little publication that has one goal: changing the way we consume reality and knocking Instagram "influencers" down a few pegs along the way.
This place is for you if you hate how fake people are, or if you get overcome with a barbaric rage when you read Buzzfeed articles about how to improve your dating life in 3 easy steps. You are intelligent and you know that there is no way someone could fix your abysmal dating life with three steps.
Here at French Onion Soup, our goal is to strictly provide stupid and satirical content that will by no means help you gain followers or land your dream girl. It will give you a few laughs, and heaven knows that the only happy people are the ones who can laugh at themselves. So browse away and revel in the unhealthy amounts of mockery we've poured into the world!
Dumb Trends We Hate
Big Glasses
If you're not legally blind, you don't get to wear absurdly large glasses
Mom Jeans
They never were stylish, and tween girls wearing them doesn't change that
Stupid Acronyms
WTF, OTP, LOL, and the like really kill our staff's motivation to live
VR Goggles
Sure, it's cutting edge tech, but never has something looked so ludicrous
Be a part of
something pointless.
Most people use social media to show the world how 'amazing' they are. And by 'amazing,' we mean fake. If you are tired of being lied to by people on social media, then bop on over to our Facebook page. Does saying the words "Facebook page" make us seem like boomers? Yes. Do we care? No.
Now get over there and be a part of something truly pointless.