Back off, Buzzfeed! We know that you refuse to hold true to journalistic standards and we are rejecting your articles that cover how people "slayed" on the red carpet. Buckle in for a real review.
Jennifer Lopez wears a big bow like she's a gift to this world and it's that kind of narcissism that really drives us up a wall.
Every January, Hollywood and those brainwashed by Hollywood go absolutely nuts over the Golden Globes. They talk about who got snubbed, who brought who as who's date, blah blah blah. But enough of that crap. We here at French Onion Soup care about one thing and one thing only: roasting people for the terrible, terrible choices they've made. So let's dive in!
Jodie Comer, more like Jodie Colorblind!
Remember in art class in fourth grade, when you learned about the color wheel and how some colors go together and some colors clash? It seems like Jodie must've been sick that day, because everyone learns in fourth grade that emerald green, Big Bird yellow, and Barbie pink should never be thrown together. But way to be a hero and break down the color barriers, Jodie!
Kerry Washington forgot how shirts work.
We get it, it's hard being a celebrity! How can us commoners even begin to grasp how difficult is to juggle all the pressures of being rich and famous?? If you were in Kerry's stupid looking shoes, you too would be inclined to forget that a shirt is an article of clothing meant to cover things up when in public. Really, this isn't on her. It's on her team of commoners that know better and haven't had the IQ squeezed out of their brains by the stress of being rich and famous. So we'll let rich and famous Kerry Washington have a pass on this faux pas and instead start working on our protest signs to get her staff fired for letting her out in public without a shirt.
Don't know her, but she looks like a loofah.
Don't call it bad journalism that we didn't take the time to find out who this chick is. It's not our fault she's not famous enough to be recognized immediately. Are we lazy? Absolutely. But does that change the fact that she looks like a loofah? Nope.
She's distracted, he's ready to fight somebody.
The pose they don't cover enough in Red Carpet Walking 101 is the intimidation pose. Nick Jonas has mastered this. He looks like a mobster ready to put on his brass knuckles and go toe-to-toe with someone who's looked at him in the slightly wrong way. Or maybe he's ready to throw it down to any reporter who points out that his wife is substantially taller than him.
Just because Taylor Swift actually picked a nice dress doesn't mean we still can't mock her for Cats.
Because...well, it's Cats. As journalists, we're supposed to just report the facts. And the facts are that Taylor made a terrible, terrible mistake in agreeing to be in Cats. Just because this image of a beautifully dressed Taylor Swift lives in our minds doesn't mean it removes the image of her being a humanized cat in Cats. It doesn't matter how pretty she sings or how nice she looks when she looks like a well-dressed human, because she made the conscious choice to let the creepy CGI people get their grubby hands on her in a green suit and turn her into the monstrosity that she was in Cats.
We could go on, but frankly, after looking at all these rich and famous people prancing around on a red carpet, we've become rather sad and self-conscious. But before we go, here's Helen Mirren, looking fine as heck because she must've sold her soul to look so well at her age.
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